Thursday, January 7, 2016

New Year Remembering

Well, it's been awhile. I can't remember the last time I wrote anything. Three kids keeps me on my toes and sleepless, and my brain feels mushy most of the time. Kinda hard to write with mush brain, but here goes.

Sunday the 3rd was Karis and Karov's due date, and Monday the 4th was Everett's. It's a hard way to start the new year; I won't lie. We had family in town, but Kevin made sure we took some time to remember. He is always so good to remember all the babies' dates and to make sure we take a break from the busy to remember. I tend to stuff it in until I explode in tears or want to avoid talking about it in fear of said tear explosions, so thank you, Kevin, for always taking my hand and walking with me through our grief and memories. It's a sludgy walk and difficult. It aches, but I am always glad we went. We usually head up to Nebo for a few minutes away, and this year we tried to catch the sunrise. We were running on pretty little sleep, though, and didn't quite make it :-) It was still a beautiful, cold morning. Kevin always brings the boxes we have for each baby, and we look through all the little things we brought home from the hospital for each one, a blanket, a tiny bear, the card with the date and weight, and all the cards and notes and verses from friends. And I cry. A lot. Everett would be two, and the girl's would have had their first birthdays. I catch myself reading through the list of would have beens as should have beens. I should have been planning crazy birthday parties in the middle of all the holiday fun. I should have been buying push toys for the newly walking girls. I should have been videoing all of Everett's new funny words and phrases... and on and on I can go, but then I have to stop again and remember.

We're remembering Everett, Karis and Karov this week, the gift that they are. Remembering that they are our family, and we will see them soon. Remembering the road we have walked down, the dreaded silent ultrasounds, the hospital stays, the hard times that followed. Remembering the amazing family and friends and life group that brought us so much food and kept our kids and sent us cards and letters and verses and hope and love and gifts. But I also have to remember that my Father is good, and even though I don't know the whys, I know He has given me this story, this road, this place, this family. And it is so good and beautiful, and I am so thankful.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

How to help grieving parents

A short list of a helps for those that are supporting friends or family through the grief of child loss.

Sunday, July 20, 2014


It's another one of those crazy things that you wouldn't think would be true, but somehow is -  the joy that I've had from talking my kids through the loss of all our babies. I think I dreaded the pain that would come with talking about them, and don't get me wrong, there are surely many tears involved. Somehow, though, having to explain heaven over and over has made that place so much nearer. Having my son hug me when I cry and say, "It's ok, mommy, you will get to rock our babies when you get to heaven," reminds me to hold tightly to the hope of what's to come and loosely to the pain of what I've lost. Talking about Everett, Micha, Karis & Karov with the boys, answering their questions about where they are and why they aren't here and what they are doing and when they will see them has kept them near and made them part of our family and that is so comforting to this momma. Beckett suggested that next year we tie balloons onto Everett's cake so we could float it up to him, and he could eat some, too :-) And in all of these talks we have had new opportunities to point our boys to Christ, to talk of death and sin and then of Jesus and life forever. Already I can see death is bringing life in our lives and that gives me joy I can hold on to. 

'Jesus said, "Coming home to God is as wonderful as finding a treasure! You might have to dig before you find it. You might have to look before you see it. You might even have to give up everything you have to get it. But being where God is - being in his kingdom - that's more important than anything else in all the world. It's worth anything you have to give up!" Jesus told them. "Because God is the real treasure."
God had a treasure, too, of course. A treasure that was lost, long, long, ago. What was God's treasure, his most important thing, the thing God loved best in all the world?
God's treasure was his children. 
It was why Jesus had come into the world. To find God's treasure. And pay the price to win them back. And Jesus would do it - even if it cost him everything he had.'
Matthew 13 - Jesus Storybook Bible

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

One Month

It's hard to believe it's been one month since I held my girls. Time has gotten weird.
And my heart has over-grown. How can so much hurt and so much love still fit inside? 
It aches. 

The Lord always keeps his promises;
    he is gracious in all he does.
The Lord helps the fallen
    and lifts those bent beneath their loads.
The eyes of all look to you in hope;
    you give them their food as they need it.
When you open your hand,
    you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
    he is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on him,
    yes, to all who call on him in truth.
He grants the desires of those who fear him;
    he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
Psalm 145: 13-19

June 18, 2014

Our sweet twins were born last night at 11 weeks. Karis & Karov, named for God's faithfulness and His nearness. Four babies with Jesus now. I miss them all desperately. My heart and my world are in pieces but somehow my anchor still holds. Because of my unchangeable God "we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain" (Hebrews 6:17-19).

The Lord doesn't redeem hard things with good things or sad things with happy things. He redeems all that is broken with Christ. Once and for all He has done it. He isn't just good for the gifts he gives. He is good-all the time just because He Is. No blessing or loss can change that. And someday he will come to make the broken new. So now for a little while, though it is terribly hard, we will wait and hold fast and tell His unchanging story.

Watching and waiting, looking above
Filled with his goodness, lost in His love
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long

Sunday, May 11, 2014

For the hurting

I recently read a passage that I haven't ever noticed before (Shocking, right. I thought I had the whole Bible memorized). Anyway, it was salve for my hurting heart. Some days the world just weighs so much; so many are hurting. If I stop long enough to think and am brave enough for a moment to plug in my heart, there is always someone there I am hurting for. Everyone has something that's hard for them or for a friend to walk through or live through, even. It leaves an ache in your chest and something that sticks in your throat, and on some days the aches just seem to keep piling from all around. I know there are sometimes answers to why; He is teaching us who He is and how deeply he cares; He is refining, purifying, emptying us so only Christ remains; He is allowing us a chance to know Him and His son by knowing a small piece of the pain, the unimaginable suffering He endured for love; He is gently lifting our gaze upward, away from the fleeting and the temporary to the forever ahead of us, but knowing the why doesn't erase the hurt. Why brings some peace, but the ache, the tears, the heaviness, I still feel those. What do I do with that? Then there was Psalm 56:8-11. "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?...This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid." Maybe knowing He's counting my tears and He sees and He is for me helps me carry the ache and hold faith and endure.

In honor of all those moms who have lost pieces of their hearts and those who are desperately waiting for their child and those who hearts are hurting today.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Crazy Hope

It's been one of those weeks, one of those weeks where I am just a crazy person. I hope you don't periodically turn into a crazy person like I do. I gotta tell you it sucks. I yelled, I argued, I worried too much, I did no laundry or dishes or sweeping (not that that is anything new really), I ate hostess cakes. I gave up. Satan has perfected for me a personally customized invitation to despair. He knows just the right timing, when all the stars align and the yucky circumstances mount. He knows just the thoughts to throw, the lies to tell to tempt me to hopelessness. This week I closed my eyes and let him lead me there; but my Saviour knows about despair. He has been to the darkest places and returned the victor. His long arms of grace can reach into any deep pit. His love is deeper still.

He used a note that a precious messenger of His love posted awhile ago to shine his light on me. She said, "When I think about hope, one word comes to mind: Jesus.  He is my hope.  He is the only Hope that any of us has.  So, when I hope, I pray.  I don’t throw my words out into an empty void, but I pray to the One who is in control of all things.  I pray to the One who created each child.  I pray to the One who listens and changes hearts and changes lives...I pray to the One who intervened in each broken life of each child who has lived inside these walls.  I pray to the One who pulled them out of each pit and put them in a place where they were able to learn of His Truth.  I pray to the One who has conquered evil.  I pray to the One who has power over darkness, power to change hearts of stone and make them hearts of flesh...He can bring the change needed in my life and in yours.  He has and will continue to change lives." You can read more of that note here

The Lord is so very good. Up next to the giant universe full of billions of people's precious lives, in light of his ultimate plan and the eternity of heaven, the importance of this small week of my life should be infinitesimal, my circumstances and feelings--silly, but in His grace he saw fit to reach down and bring me comfort and hope and love. It wasn't an accident that I saw this note, even how he arranged that was a work of his hand. 

I had resigned myself to disappointment and despair and loneliness, doubting that He held all things, believing He was far away, but He graciously, called me back to hope, to prayer, to Him. So even though I may not yet feel fine and even though my week may still be tough, I will choose to believe He is who he says, and I will cling to hope though my hold at times feels tenuous. I will "pray to the One who has power over darkness, power to change hearts of stone and make them hearts of flesh...He can bring the change needed in my life and in yours.  He has and will continue to change lives."

Isaiah 49:23 “Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed. 

P.S. Thanks Kristin Palmer. A really amazing work is going on in India, a battle for the souls of precious children. Check it out at