I sat a little while ago at my table with my coffee and my bible trying to read and find some joy, but as I reviewed the last weeks and thought about facing this next month, the hardest one of all with Christmas minus 1 and then my due date, all I managed was to question, "God, can you see? The pain just keeps mounting, and I have no idea how I'm going to face it." But with my head in my hands and the tears making a nice pool on the table, He faithfully answered, "Yes, I am here, and I see you, and you are blessed because you mourn for I will comfort you." His answer to me got me thinking. I'm not blessed because I have to go through this hard thing, woe is me, where's my gold star. No, He said I'm blessed because in this hard thing I get to experience His unexplainable comfort, and his comfort is precious. He sees, and He knows, has known pain of His own we cannot even imagine. He cares, and He promises to be right there in the midst of it.
Maybe its ok that some days are heavy, and it's hard to breath. Maybe joy doesn't always look like I thought it did. There's treasure to be found in pain that's more valuable than ease and lightheartedness. I should be less eager for the painful reminders to end and more eager to know the comfort of the Father, to experience his precious capacity to draw near to us and help us bear our burdens.
It's been hard and confusing. I have felt so often alone and so very heavy, but I have also had His words come alive to me during my pain as a life line of hope and direction when I am lost. I have felt the arms of the body of Christ come around me for support. I have had a clearer view of what is not important and who is. These are things I have uniquely experienced through my pain and heartache. I know these are treasures worth seeking after.
So maybe just maybe, when my days are heavy and the tears don't end, when every step is hard and the challenges keep mounting, maybe that's ok; I can stop trying to escape it or hide it or fix it, because he promises that in that pain I will know more of His love and comfort and therefore more of Him.
So maybe I'll just sit here with my bible and my tears and wait to be blessed a little longer.
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Psalm 34:17-19 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hearsand delivers them out of all their troubles.The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.Many are the afflictions of the righteous,but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
2 Cor 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.