Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Both and

It's weird how both grief and happiness can coexist, how at the same time you are hurting, you are thankful. You're having fun, and yet the tears still fall. You are staying busy but still feel the moments move in slower motion.
  My heart is still heavy a lot, but it comes in shorter spurts at random, mixed in with all the other loud, chaotic, happy, busy times. I miss the exit for Chickfila because I'm randomly reliving the moment I saw Everett. I'm sitting playing with the boys and then wondering if Everett has pretty eyelashes like Beckett. I'm chatting with my gals then over hearing Beckett tell his friends that mom had a baby in her tummy, but he died. It's hard in the middle of the fun in the middle of the normal. It's weird. 
  Some days seem back to normal, and I don't know how I feel about that yet. Then other days, I know I'm different. Life is different. And I want to hold onto that. Maybe I hold on to different because I want Everett to be real even though he isn't here. Maybe because I don't want to forget. Maybe because I don't want everyone else to forget. Maybe because I've known His presence in a way I never have, and I still need His peace and hope and love and purpose to face the day. Maybe because I don't want to go back to living without leaning into His Word. It has changed me, and I am so thankful. Already God has used Everett to make His name great in my heart and mind. I'm eager to see what He will continue to do...

  A friend sent me this song, and I have loved it. It comes from all the scripture I've been reading and rereading these past weeks, so I wanted to pass it on. I tried the best I could to find the references so maybe someone else could find that same strength and hope, purpose and comfort from the Word that I have found.

I come, God, I come - Ps 71:1-3, Heb 4:15-16
I return to the Lord - Is 30:15, Deut 4:29-31, Jer 24:6-7, Hosea 6:1
The one who’s broken - Ps 51:8,
The one who’s torn me apart - Hosea 6:1
You strike down to bind me up - Job 5:18, Ps 147:3
You say you do it all in love - Ro 8:28, 32, 38-39; Ro 5:3-5; Lam 3: 31-32
That I might know you in your suffering - Phil 3:10

Though you slay me - Job 13:15
Yet I will praise you - Ps 43:5, Hab 3:17-19
Though you take from me - Job 1:21, Ps 96:2
I will bless your name - Ps 100:1-5
Though you ruin me - Job 2:3
Still I will worship - Job 1:20-21
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need - Ps 96:1, Phil 4:19

My heart and flesh may fail - Ps 73:26
The earth below give way - Ps 46
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord - Ps 27:13, Job 42:5
Lifted high on that day - Ps 27:5-6, Job 5:11
Behold, the Lamb that was slain - Rev 5:12
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all - 1Pet 1:6-9

Though tonight I’m crying out - Ps 57:1-3, Ps 69:1-3
Let this cup pass from me now - Mt 26:39
You’re still more than I need - Eph 3:20-21, Phil 4:19
You’re enough for me - Ps 23, Lam 3:19-24
You’re enough for me

2 Cor 4
[Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.

When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.]

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Friday, August 9, 2013

One Month

One month ago today we had a miscarriage and delivered our sweet baby Everett at 14 wks. It's been a hard month, and I'm sure it will continue to be very difficult. I miss him deeply. And yet as I remember the last weeks and feel the loss, I know I have been given so much. So very thankful that sweet Everett is. Thankful I got to carry him for a short while and hold him for a moment. Thankful for a faithful Father who is love to hold him forever. So thankful for His word that has been my light and my path and my comfort and my joy. So thankful that He has drawn near in our sorrow. He has been so faithful to be my hiding place on days that are dark, my hope and my purpose, and my strength to press on. Read somewhere recently that Everett means 'courageous and unending praise'. I am thankful my baby will spend his days in unending praise, so today it is His praises that I will also sing.

"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.” With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day: “Give thanks to the Lord, call upon his name, make known his deeds among the peoples, proclaim that his name is exalted. “Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth. Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion, for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.” Isaiah 12:2-6

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:31-39 BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop