Sunday, July 20, 2014


It's another one of those crazy things that you wouldn't think would be true, but somehow is -  the joy that I've had from talking my kids through the loss of all our babies. I think I dreaded the pain that would come with talking about them, and don't get me wrong, there are surely many tears involved. Somehow, though, having to explain heaven over and over has made that place so much nearer. Having my son hug me when I cry and say, "It's ok, mommy, you will get to rock our babies when you get to heaven," reminds me to hold tightly to the hope of what's to come and loosely to the pain of what I've lost. Talking about Everett, Micha, Karis & Karov with the boys, answering their questions about where they are and why they aren't here and what they are doing and when they will see them has kept them near and made them part of our family and that is so comforting to this momma. Beckett suggested that next year we tie balloons onto Everett's cake so we could float it up to him, and he could eat some, too :-) And in all of these talks we have had new opportunities to point our boys to Christ, to talk of death and sin and then of Jesus and life forever. Already I can see death is bringing life in our lives and that gives me joy I can hold on to. 

'Jesus said, "Coming home to God is as wonderful as finding a treasure! You might have to dig before you find it. You might have to look before you see it. You might even have to give up everything you have to get it. But being where God is - being in his kingdom - that's more important than anything else in all the world. It's worth anything you have to give up!" Jesus told them. "Because God is the real treasure."
God had a treasure, too, of course. A treasure that was lost, long, long, ago. What was God's treasure, his most important thing, the thing God loved best in all the world?
God's treasure was his children. 
It was why Jesus had come into the world. To find God's treasure. And pay the price to win them back. And Jesus would do it - even if it cost him everything he had.'
Matthew 13 - Jesus Storybook Bible

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

One Month

It's hard to believe it's been one month since I held my girls. Time has gotten weird.
And my heart has over-grown. How can so much hurt and so much love still fit inside? 
It aches. 

The Lord always keeps his promises;
    he is gracious in all he does.
The Lord helps the fallen
    and lifts those bent beneath their loads.
The eyes of all look to you in hope;
    you give them their food as they need it.
When you open your hand,
    you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
    he is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on him,
    yes, to all who call on him in truth.
He grants the desires of those who fear him;
    he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
Psalm 145: 13-19

June 18, 2014

Our sweet twins were born last night at 11 weeks. Karis & Karov, named for God's faithfulness and His nearness. Four babies with Jesus now. I miss them all desperately. My heart and my world are in pieces but somehow my anchor still holds. Because of my unchangeable God "we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain" (Hebrews 6:17-19).

The Lord doesn't redeem hard things with good things or sad things with happy things. He redeems all that is broken with Christ. Once and for all He has done it. He isn't just good for the gifts he gives. He is good-all the time just because He Is. No blessing or loss can change that. And someday he will come to make the broken new. So now for a little while, though it is terribly hard, we will wait and hold fast and tell His unchanging story.

Watching and waiting, looking above
Filled with his goodness, lost in His love
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long