Thursday, January 7, 2016

New Year Remembering

Well, it's been awhile. I can't remember the last time I wrote anything. Three kids keeps me on my toes and sleepless, and my brain feels mushy most of the time. Kinda hard to write with mush brain, but here goes.

Sunday the 3rd was Karis and Karov's due date, and Monday the 4th was Everett's. It's a hard way to start the new year; I won't lie. We had family in town, but Kevin made sure we took some time to remember. He is always so good to remember all the babies' dates and to make sure we take a break from the busy to remember. I tend to stuff it in until I explode in tears or want to avoid talking about it in fear of said tear explosions, so thank you, Kevin, for always taking my hand and walking with me through our grief and memories. It's a sludgy walk and difficult. It aches, but I am always glad we went. We usually head up to Nebo for a few minutes away, and this year we tried to catch the sunrise. We were running on pretty little sleep, though, and didn't quite make it :-) It was still a beautiful, cold morning. Kevin always brings the boxes we have for each baby, and we look through all the little things we brought home from the hospital for each one, a blanket, a tiny bear, the card with the date and weight, and all the cards and notes and verses from friends. And I cry. A lot. Everett would be two, and the girl's would have had their first birthdays. I catch myself reading through the list of would have beens as should have beens. I should have been planning crazy birthday parties in the middle of all the holiday fun. I should have been buying push toys for the newly walking girls. I should have been videoing all of Everett's new funny words and phrases... and on and on I can go, but then I have to stop again and remember.

We're remembering Everett, Karis and Karov this week, the gift that they are. Remembering that they are our family, and we will see them soon. Remembering the road we have walked down, the dreaded silent ultrasounds, the hospital stays, the hard times that followed. Remembering the amazing family and friends and life group that brought us so much food and kept our kids and sent us cards and letters and verses and hope and love and gifts. But I also have to remember that my Father is good, and even though I don't know the whys, I know He has given me this story, this road, this place, this family. And it is so good and beautiful, and I am so thankful.