The Mug I sat in my wheelchair looking out the window of our room. The light poured in even though the view was just the opposite brick wall. While Kevin went to get the car, I sat with my thoughts and the last few sips of coffee. I had stayed on the wrong side of the labor and delivery floor before. Heaven and hell on one hospital floor divided down the middle by a nursery full of pink crying babies. On one side exhaustion mingled with joy and on the other heartache sucked the oxygen out of the air, forcing everyone to a whisper. The nurse came in to make sure I had everything I needed, which of course I didn’t. My coffee was not quite gone, so she kindly winked and said to just keep the mug. It was a tiny offering in view of what I’d lost, but the contraband was a small happiness. Tiny things mattered more now than they had before. She told me it was a heavy day and said there was a family next door that was grieving, too. She wasn’t allowed to tell, but probably their s...
Posts
New Year Remembering
Well, it's been awhile. I can't remember the last time I wrote anything. We have a rainbow baby and three kids keeps me on my toes and sleepless, and my brain feels mushy most of the time. Kinda hard to write with mush brain, but here goes. Sunday the 3rd was Karis and Karov's due date, and Monday the 4th was Everett's. It's a hard way to start the new year; I won't lie. We had family in town, but Kevin made sure we took some time to remember. He is always so good to remember all the babies' dates and to make sure we take a break from the busy to remember. I tend to stuff it in until I explode in tears or want to avoid talking about it in fear of said tear explosions, so thank you, Kevin, for always taking my hand and walking with me through our grief and memories. It's a sludgy walk and difficult. It aches, but I am always glad we went. We usually head up to Nebo for a few minutes away, and this year we tried to catch the sunrise. We were running on p...
How to help grieving parents
A short list of a helps for those that are supporting friends or family through the grief of child loss. http://www.mprnews.org/story/2014/08/12/daily-circuit-death-of-a-child
Treasure
It's another one of those crazy things that you wouldn't think would be true, but somehow is - the joy that I've had from talking my kids through the loss of all our babies. I think I dreaded the pain that would come with talking about them, and don't get me wrong, there are surely many tears involved. Somehow, though, having to explain heaven over and over has made that place so much nearer. Having my son hug me when I cry and say, "It's ok, mommy, you will get to rock our babies when you get to heaven," reminds me to hold tightly to the hope of what's to come and loosely to the pain of what I've lost. Talking about Everett, Micha, Karis & Karov with the boys, answering their questions about where they are and why they aren't here and what they are doing and when they will see them has kept them near and made them part of our family and that is so comforting to this momma. Beckett suggested that next year we tie balloons onto Everett...
One Month
It's hard to believe it's been one month since I held my girls. Time has gotten weird. And my heart has over-grown. How can so much hurt and so much love still fit inside? It aches. The Lord always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does. The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads. The eyes of all look to you in hope; you give them their food as they need it. When you open your hand, you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness. The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth. He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them. Psalm 145: 13-19
June 18, 2014
Our sweet twins were born last night at 11 weeks. Karis & Karov, named for God's faithfulness and His nearness. Four babies with Jesus now. I miss them all desperately. My heart and my world are in pieces but somehow my anchor still holds. Because of my unchangeable God "we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and s teadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain" (Hebrews 6:17-19). The Lord doesn't redeem hard things with good things or sad things with happy things. He redeems all that is broken with Christ. Once and for all He has done it. He isn't just good for the gifts he gives. He is good-all the time just because He Is. No blessing or loss can change that. And someday he will come to make the broken new. So now for a little while, though it is terribly hard, we will wait and hold fast and tell His unchanging story. Watching and wait...
For the hurting
I recently read a passage that I haven't ever noticed before (Shocking, right. I thought I had the whole Bible memorized). Anyway, it was salve for my hurting heart. Some days the world just weighs so much; so many are hurting. If I stop long enough to think and am brave enough for a moment to plug in my heart, there is always someone there I am hurting for. Everyone has something that's hard for them or for a friend to walk through or live through, even. It leaves an ache in your chest and something that sticks in your throat, and on some days the aches just seem to keep piling from all around. I know there are sometimes answers to why; He is teaching us who He is and how deeply he cares; He is refining, purifying, emptying us so only Christ remains; He is allowing us a chance to know Him and His son by knowing a small piece of the pain, the unimaginable suffering He endured for love; He is gently lifting our gaze upward, away from the fleeting and the temporary to the forever...